Other outlandish but shockingly true conspiracies!

Posted by Josh at 5:30 PM

Completely plausible conspiracy #1.

There is a masochistic dental conspiracy.

It's true! Dentists are indoctrinated from their earliest days of dental school on the proper mauling and torturing of poor folks who just want to get their cavities filled. How do I know this? Well, duh, all dentists hurt people, like, every day! That means there is a grand conspiracy created by these genuinely evil executioners parading around in smocks and goofy face masks. They want hurt you and then overcharge you by thousands of dollars. First they drill holes in your face and fill your teeth with toxic cement and then they send you an overinflated bill. Physical and emotional pain! They want you to scream out in pain until that funny little vein on your head is doing an awkward tango like Marie Osmand on Dancin' with the Washed-up, Has-Been, Daytime-TV Stars.

I can't remember exactly where I saw it but there was this poll where dentists were asked things like: Do you enjoy punching innocent children in the face?; and, Have you ever tossed bags of cute little kittens off of the Golden Gate Bridge? Not surprisingly, 92% of all so-called "dental professionals" were self admitted kitty-killers and child-face-punchers. That's what the poll said, and polls are always right.

You might not believe me, but that doesn't make it not true. I know it's true.



Completely plausible conspiracy #2.

Nursing homes are just a front for meanies to kill nice old folks.

It's true! I saw this Gallup poll that showed that 137% of people who live in a nursing home will die within 5 years. OHMYGOSH! Nursing homes must be just like Buchenwald but all over the whole stinking country! The picture above shows a sweet elderly woman at what she thinks is just a friendly Tuesday Night Ice Cream Social, but really they are feeding her frozen arsenic. Nursing home administrators are even worse than dentists. At least dentists pretend to give you laughing gas. Nursing home administrators just poison your prune juice. While dentists are deviant and cruel, nursing home administrators are really a modern-day embodiment of the demon Charon but they go the extra mile and kick you in the kneecap before ferrying you to Hades. Never go to a nursing home. You'll die!

Now excuse me, I have an election to rig. We can't let J. Sidney McCain deny the Benevolent Socialist Revolution from what is rightly ours to steal, now can we?

 

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3 Comments:

  1. Josh said...
    August 7, 2008 at 7:14 PM  
    I have to admit, I am disappointed. I expected some kind of response, even if it was a 'Boy-oh-boy, that was stupid.' I guess you all have such high standards that you decided not to dignify my ramblings with a response. It's ok, I'm not too hurt.

    But, just you wait.
    Glum said...
    August 8, 2008 at 9:13 PM  
    Fine, Josh. If you must have some kind of response. I doubt that my standards are high, just different :) I will tell you about my day today. We have a resident who was diagnosed with Alzheimers about 3 years ago. He led an extremely active life and was an important business executive. His wife passed away about 2 years ago and even in his diminished condition still asks for her daily. About 4 years ago a defribilator/pace maker was put on his heart after a diagnosis of CHF (congestive heart failure) warranted a transplant. His condition has worsened to the point that he can no longer swallow, eat, or move on his own. Today I helped in a procedure to de-activate his pace maker by placing a high powered magnet over his heart where this device was placed. Basically, we shut off his life line. His family and doctor wanted this and he has stated his wishes in a previous living will. The reason I tell you this, isn't to seek sympathy for this dignified citizen or to seek empathy for my plight but to educate those interested that every day life and death decisions are before us. As fun as bingo is in the nursing home, we are helping families cope with the end of life. What becomes extremely clear, is the insignifance of petty differences and opinioned cartoons and understand what we could be up against. From kneeling in prayer with families at their mothers bedside, to sitting with a homeless man as he takes his last breath I couldn't be more thankful for the experience that is mine on a daily basis to serve a population of people that have served me in one way or another generations ago...
    James said...
    August 25, 2008 at 7:43 AM  
    I'm sorry I didn't reply....YOU TERD!

    No, I've just had very little motivation for political discussion lately.
    Even the "West Wing" has lost its savor.

    To make me more disenchanted, Huckabee just told CBS and Fox why Mitt Romney would be a bad choice for Veep. Perhaps I agree with him...I would love to see Romney as Sec of Treasury, Giuliani--Sec of Homeland Security, and Upchuckabee as the Sec. of Tomfoolery.

    But Josh, your post was created in typical left-wing fashion.......you're forgetting about good ole capitalism. How much money would a dentist/healthcare provider make if he had a reputation of torturing patients? How much money does the Media make spewing out negativity, left-wing idealism, mockery of our president, and celebrity gossip? The media can actually destroy things I value and get rich doing it. Conspiracy? Greed? Bias? I don't know......I do know that the media is not on my side.

    It isn't my intent to offend you, I know that news is a passion for you (I'm passionate about it as well, actually). But the news has to do something to regain the trust of right-wing Americans. If the majority of us feel mistreated and misrepresented, isn't there some legitimacy to our complaints?

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