Your turn at the Soapbox

The time has finally come. I know it may shock some of you, it has certainly taken me by surprise, but I've finally decided who I am going to vote for this election year. I'd tell you who it is but that would ruin all of the dramatic tension that I wanted to build up in the first few paragraphs of this post. So you're just going to have to wait three or four more paragraphs till I get around to it.

It's very simple when you get down to what's really important. There's only one person who's man enough to take our country where it needs to go. Only one man has the ability to inspire us with his rogue spirit, his daring approach in taking every challenge head on, and if that doesn't work then he's brave enough to reverse direction and pretend that it never happened even if it is on them youtubes. I want a leader who could rip the head off of a megalodon with his bare hands and roast it on a spit if need be and, gosh darnit, there's but one candidate gritty enough for that kind of job.

So I'd like to announce that this blog will become the official grassroots blog for the entire north-eastern half of my block for our next president, John McCain and his running mate, John McCain. (he's so awesome he doesn't need a vice president- and it gives our campaign a chance to cover both sides of every issue)

This Obama guy, we're everything that he's not. Sure he's dynamic. Sure he's a good 2,000 years younger than McCain. Sure, he's good-looking and doesn't need to use bifocals to read stop signs. Who cares if people are flocking to him like hippies to a Grateful Dead Concert. It doesn't matter if he hasn't been around the beltway longer than the Potomac like good ol' Johnny-boy McCain has been but... Oh, wait. Never mind.

Let's just say we know we'll win if we can frame the debate in terms of how bad Obama is. Obama is all about change, so let's do him one better. McCain can be the alternative to change, the anti-change candidate! McCain's the man you rally behind if you really, really want things to stay on the exact same course that we've been on for the past eight years because, as you know, things are just sweet as is. Old white guys have done wonders for America since it's inception so why change now?

Change is dangerous people, don't believe it. Change is scary, change will hurt you, punch you in the face and take your wallet and then come back to kick you in the shins until you cry for mercy kind of scary. That's not change you can believe in. Believe in sameness. That's McCain; as dependable as skim-milk. Unless you're lactose intolerant. In that case, he's like soy-milk.

In closing, let's all do our part. Go visit a nursing home near you, deface some Obama campaign signs. Use racial slurs, degrade Obama's third cousin-twice removed and remake McCain's to match this years hottest trends in window blinds. And, if none of that works, we'll just do whatever the heck Obama is doing.

Now that's change that I can believe in. Or anti-change. Whatever.

To commiserate, or commemorate this momentous occasion I would like to share with you some of my own home-spun campaign material. Feel free to spread it around. This is my neighbor Elsa, she's voting for McCain because, as she said, "young people play their music too loud and my kids never visit me." I feel your pain Elsa, I really do. Vote McCain!




Oh yea! He's also promised to veto every beer and I don't drink beer. Mormons for McCain!